When I woke up yesterday, Day 31, I nagging voice informed me that I would not be enjoying the prescribed 800 calories as per usual on Day 31. Instead I would be enjoying a two day fast, since Day 32 is already a fasting day. Yay, I thought to myself *sarcasm, of course*
I did great yesterday, managing to avoid snacking during the day and I even cooked dinner for my family. I also made a batch of stir-fry veggies to have on hand for the week. I pissed off my mother by not eating dinner with her and my father, but I am so over trying to please them that I don’t care. I went to the gym last night without any trouble. No dizzy or lightheaded feelings.
Today, I continued the fast, also doing amazing. I faked a dinner and again “ate” alone. I was finally able to weigh myself at my Aunt’s house. I am down 50 lbs. I was not expecting that much, it’s amazing. My mother is beyond upset that I am no longer tied to her hip. I’m like, I’m an adult, back off. She told me the other day she misses the fun we were having, I’m like yeah the mind games were f* amazing. #BiPolar
The problem came when I was helping my dad clean a wound. Blood has never bothered me, which is why I am picked for the task of slicing open his finger to drain the pus. (Appetite killer, right) Anyway, as I’m cutting into the finger and blood is seeping out, this nausea rolls over me. I sneak a fried potato from the stove behind me, praying i don’t pass out right there in the kitchen. No luck, I feel my blood sugar dropping like a stone. I make the comment that this is kinda grossing me out, cover my tracks and all. It gets worse and I excuse myself to the bathroom. I bumped my mom in the process which made her upset because she is so low right now she swears she is in the way, but that’s a rant for another day. In the bathroom, my vision blurs a bit and my ears start ringing. I get really hot and shaky. My entire body is sweating. I feel really bad. I call down stairs and ask for a glass of milk. When I speak, it sounds like my ears are underwater. Really strange. The milk does the trick, thankfully. I really didn’t want to explain that one to my folks. So now I have eaten a piece of candy to keep it up so I can go to the gym.
Of course between the milk, the fried potato slice, and the tiny piece of candy, I feel like a failure. I feel like the 50 lbs are going to climb right back in my lap and ask for a bedtime story.
On a lighter note, there are two owls outside my window singing to one another right now. It’s beautiful, haunting.