So I am really stressed out right now. I am trying to keep it all together but there are always going to be some things I screw up. I’m working on my book, around fifty typed pages so far. I haven’t told anyone about it except a couple close friends. I am trying to help my folks sell their house, which happens to be where I live as well. Oh and I live with my parents. Note to everyone—DO NOT LIVE AT HOME AFTER COLLEGE. Just don’t do it. First off, I feel like a failure for having to live at home. Secondly, I am eternally nine years old and clueless. I don’t feel like an adult, they won’t let me be an adult, and I apparently suck at being an adult anyway. So with the book, the secrets, and the parents, I am failing miserably. I wish I had somewhere to stay for a few days, somewhere away.
On top of living at home, my mother is not well, in more ways than one. So I am constantly walking on eggshells trying to decide who I’m talking to each moment. She is disabled, so she rarely leaves the couch and never leaves the house. She is slowly killing herself and forcing me to watch. I really love her but I don’t like her. God help me for saying that. She has always put everything above me, her only child. When I was a kid it was her job and her poor suffering charges. Then it became religion. Right now she is convinced that I hate her for some reason. I don’t hate her but I can’t keep allowing her to hurt me. At some point i realized it wasn’t right to allow her to hurt me so badly that I cry myself to sleep every night. I’ve been doing that since childhood. I can’t do it anymore. So I built a nice little wall. Now no one can hurt me. If I shut out others, then I don’t hurt. In our house, we don’t argue. We never have. I actually wish we did, it would be easier. Instead, we bottle it up inside and then resort to self harm to make it stop hurting. God forbid we actually talk to one another. That would never happen. The times I have confided in a parent, usually my dad, he has taken the information back to my mother. Trust issues? Yeah, I have those.
So that’s me tonight. Trying not to just walk out the door with my dog and cat and never look back. Despite what I’ve been told by my mother, I am not a horrible, hateful, uncaring person.